News roundup – 06 June 09

Neglected bankers plot spider attack on blind kids

BANKERS are planning to post every blind child in the UK a poisonous tropical spider in a bid to reclaim their position as Britain’s purest form of scum.

Government to monitor one trillion cock pills

THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain’s email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.

Government banned list makes everything better

THE government’s decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today. Within minutes of the Home Office announcement, racists, violent extremists and homophobes agreed to put down their placards and stop being so ruddy unpleasant all the time.

Back to basics at Crufts – best in show goes to deformed rat

CRUFTS, the world’s biggest dog show, last night shrugged off recent controversies and went back to basics by awarding the top prize to one of those weird little dogs that looks like a deformed rodent.

Is it time to tax the shit out of doctors?

DOCTORS should be taxed every time they open their fat, smug, overpaid mouths, it was claimed last night.
People across Britain said the money could be reinvested in the NHS and used to pay for nice foreign doctors who just treat you instead of making you feel like Adolf Eichmann every time you fancy a Star Bar.

Pentagon Reports Army Mascot ‘Liberty’ Killed in Iraq


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